20100806
Recovery starts from within.



Sometimes I wonder just how long more do I have to stay depressed.

I have been engulfed and counter-attacked by my own ego and pride, with minute taunts from the voices jeering at me whenever I show even the least semblance of conformity. This has developed to such an extent that I even get disturbed when I use the words which my friends use, use the phrases my friends used the day before. This has happened for years, and all these small rules imposed by the sickening voice has driven me mad ever since.

I tell myself that I cannot continue living such a destructive lifestyle anymore. I need to let go of this voice and all the numbness which has come upon me with the past years. I cannot allow my steps to grow heavier and heavier. I had enough, actually. I had enough and am sick of such a defeated lifestyle, having to appease these spirits which continually disturb me.

My sense of happiness and enjoyment have been killed by this depression. I no longer feel joy, expectation, enthusiasm and other satisfying sensations of the like. The voices of conformity keep calling to me, asking me to kill the fire and to douse the flame with water, to be numb, just like them. I won't join the collective to be assimilated as a micro-organism and lose my face to the sea of the masses.

I will still retain my individuality and start gravitating people to myself rather than the other way round.

You tried to suck me in and I almost lost my soul forever. I can't afford to live in such an environment anymore, and I shall lift this veil of fear and submission away from me, because I am not a woman, and I will not carry the burden of a woman. I will unload this weight and I shall kill the woman to revive the man trapped by Lilith's snare.

You shall leave me now, and you shall descend once again into the depths where you belong. Until I can properly summon you and face you without letting your primal ways overwhelm me, you shall not appear. It is dawn and the sun must once again rise to illuminate and warm the earth.


20100717



I killed the child. I do not know where he is now. Neither do I know why this person has surfaced. I've seen this person a few times in the past, but now he has taken control. I think I'll call him the adult, because he hasn't taken a full form yet. It is ironic how the child knows what he wants but the adult is a seeker, looking for something to cover up a void left behind by the child. He is calm, collected, always full of anxiety, always cautious and meticulous. He is the total opposite of the child; he is not happy, he is full of lamentations and burdens on his chest.

The woman tries to resurface too, but she too, with the child has been tucked away, possibly dead. The adult is rejecting everything.

I hate adults. I really hate adults.


20100610
Blue



Just let me lay down and sleep.


20100605
Perfect measured pieces



I just wish that all this can stop and cease to exist. I wish that all this fear and disappointment will disappear and cease to exist. I wish that I have more time to myself and more time to do the things I want to do. I wish all my stress away. I wish that I don't have to see the people I don't want to see everyday. I wish that I don't have to be bound by so many rules and laws. I wish that I can be free. I wish that I can be truly free. I wish that I can understand some things. I wish that this sadness will go away. I wish that this pain can be lifted from me. I wish that pain is no longer my indicator of life.

I wish that I am happy with what I am doing.


 Tianyong
20 years old.
The time will come soon.