20090330
It's all coming to a stop very soon.



My room is not a place for any human being to live in. My home is not a home, my church is not a church, my life is not even living. I don't know what to do. I don't know what tomorrow will hold, I don't even know if I'll wake up tomorrow.

My will to live has become so weak and its as though I'll snap at any given moment. I feel defeated, arrested, conflicted and I'm in constant turmoil over this life of mine. I don't think I can live with my family anymore, they are getting increasingly disturbing, and I know that my dad is just trying to ignore the fact that my mom and my sister are not normal people. My mom has a snare of a snake and her temper is morbidly bad. Its not just your regular naggy mother, shes this woman who is so possessive,so paranoid, so thrifty, so easily angered, the slightest things make her go hysterical.

It's rubbing off me, and I really don't want to live with this family any more. I want to live alone. I've been contemplating this for very long, and I'll move out once I have the chance. Forgive me for being selfish but I'm on the brink of insanity and I'm already in depression. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to grow up and grow old in this asylum with this crazy woman, who behaves normally in front of relatives, and snap into a monster when shes at home. I don't want to be maligned any more. I don't want to play a part in this show, taking the blame all on myself and accrediting all the family conflicts to me.

No, mom, you have had this problem ever since I was a boy, and back then I was too naive and stupid to have believed that I was at fault, that one delinquent child was the cause of a police case. No. I will not believe this bullshit any more. Looking back at the memories, my entire childhood, I now know that you were using me as your shield to disguise your insanity. Your incessant paranoia, your split and fragmented personality, you gave it all to me, you brought me up in a fearful world, a world where I had absolutely nothing to hold on to, with no one to trust, with no family to confide in.

I became a wild dog, a chaser, I searched everywhere frantically for something absolute to hold on to, for something real in this world. I found this God in the Christian church, I believed. Hell, with my entire soul I poured my teenage into the church, I devoted my time and my efforts to this voice which told me that there is some truth in this world, that at least there's a glimmer of hope that I can look up to.

But this fling lasted a mere little more than half a decade, and I was severely disappointed. My days in church, where I worked non stop for something which I truly believed in, fell to pieces. Like a 90-storey tower of intricate glass, it all smashed to the ground into diamondust. Now nothing seems to be real anymore, and I'm stuck in the premises of my home, with minimal cash and maximum control. I don't know how long I can take this anymore. I am really going to crack very soon, the trigger is lingering right at the back of my head. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to try to live normally and behave normally when it is so obvious that theres something wrong with my mom.

And my sister, she is getting very disturbing. Besides being a socially awkward and phasing individual, she is developing her own sides of her fragmented personality. Her doormat personality is her facade, her desperate attempts to be normal make her seem all the more otherwise. She behaves eccentrically, she tries so hard, but she isn't. She isn't the son of the family, she isn't the oldest, but she tries so hard to gain acceptance, but to be honest, I don't think she ever will be. She has these very disturbing bouts of strange behavior, it gets into me at times, it disgusts me.

I feel damn fucked up.

Living in my home is akin to trying to live in an asylum, the walls become taller, and the room only gets smaller and the silence of the day carves on your parched soul. I feel dry. I feel naked, I feel dead. I feel carved. I feel like my throat's stuffed with ash. I feel as though life is not worth living any more. I feel as though my estate's so small. Nothing interests me nowadays. I feel bland. I feel gray, I feel teal.

Everything which presented itself as a hope in my life has been crushed, and there was no one there for me ever since I turned 5.

Family is but 6 letters to me, it has been so all my life. Seeing how things were orchestrated and set up by my parents to give the false impression that I caused the downfall of my family, led me to believe that even amongst family, there is no love, there is no trust, there is no honesty. I have nothing I can hold on to.

I feel lost, and sometimes I wish there is something real in this world.

And the worst thing is, I don't know how to tell you how I really feel.

This turmoil is killing me.


 Tianyong
20 years old.
The time will come soon.