20100517
trash dumping



This place has become a place for me to dump my negative feelings and thoughts, thoughts I wouldn't want anyone to see or read. And yet this space is not fully locked up, lest someone, by some miraculous discovery stumbles upon this site and takes a read at what I have to say. Here is what I want to say:

I feel defeated by the overwhelming failures all around me. I am specifically talking about education, it is something I just cannot come to terms with. I feel lost without a place in an university, and I would like to believe that this is something my parents had hardwired into me since I was a small boy. There was a point in time I decided to stand up against them and choose my own path, and to their expectation and joy? I've failed terribly in that path. I would still want to believe that this is what I truly want to do.

I know I have what it takes to pursue the sciences but it gives me no joy and satisfaction whatsoever. I know what I truly love is through expression in its myriad forms, be it music, art, dance et cetera. And the grades had to come in to try to rationalize and measure my artistic achievements through a yardstick. It seems that there is no running away from the cold unforgiving rationality of the world.

Sometimes I feel that theres nowhere to run and escape to seek asylum from this crazy crazy world.

Sometimes I feel like I'm made of so many contradicting fragments, so many parts of myself which don't work together as a whole and only seek to get in the way of functioning as a whole person. Yes, the word would be conflicted.

What would it truly take for me to regain that energy to once again enjoy expressing myself and regain that warm burning love for what I used to love to do? I want that feeling back, I want to love what I am doing and not second guess my actions anymore. I don't want to hold up that yardstick up against everything I create and compare it with what other people have achieved and calculate my odds against them after which. This is not the spirit of expression, neither is it making me enjoy anything at all. This is getting too competitive, and I'll end up only smothering myself yet again.

Am I going to drink to try to run away from all this again? I need an outlet. I need an expression. I need my freedom. I can no longer live under the cage, behind bars and below my spirits. I am sorry, I won't conform and live a miserable life. I will do what I want to do. I will not forsake my own happiness just to appease the expectations other people have weighed so heavily on me. It is just all too convenient for them to do so.

Sometimes I just hate this thing a hell lot.


 Tianyong
20 years old.
The time will come soon.