now, thats something different.

Recovery starts from within.

2010-08-06T00:59:00.003+08:00

Sometimes I wonder just how long more do I have to stay depressed.

I have been engulfed and counter-attacked by my own ego and pride, with minute taunts from the voices jeering at me whenever I show even the least semblance of conformity. This has developed to such an extent that I even get disturbed when I use the words which my friends use, use the phrases my friends used the day before. This has happened for years, and all these small rules imposed by the sickening voice has driven me mad ever since.

I tell myself that I cannot continue living such a destructive lifestyle anymore. I need to let go of this voice and all the numbness which has come upon me with the past years. I cannot allow my steps to grow heavier and heavier. I had enough, actually. I had enough and am sick of such a defeated lifestyle, having to appease these spirits which continually disturb me.

My sense of happiness and enjoyment have been killed by this depression. I no longer feel joy, expectation, enthusiasm and other satisfying sensations of the like. The voices of conformity keep calling to me, asking me to kill the fire and to douse the flame with water, to be numb, just like them. I won't join the collective to be assimilated as a micro-organism and lose my face to the sea of the masses.

I will still retain my individuality and start gravitating people to myself rather than the other way round.

You tried to suck me in and I almost lost my soul forever. I can't afford to live in such an environment anymore, and I shall lift this veil of fear and submission away from me, because I am not a woman, and I will not carry the burden of a woman. I will unload this weight and I shall kill the woman to revive the man trapped by Lilith's snare.

You shall leave me now, and you shall descend once again into the depths where you belong. Until I can properly summon you and face you without letting your primal ways overwhelm me, you shall not appear. It is dawn and the sun must once again rise to illuminate and warm the earth.

2010-07-17T00:28:00.002+08:00

I killed the child. I do not know where he is now. Neither do I know why this person has surfaced. I've seen this person a few times in the past, but now he has taken control. I think I'll call him the adult, because he hasn't taken a full form yet. It is ironic how the child knows what he wants but the adult is a seeker, looking for something to cover up a void left behind by the child. He is calm, collected, always full of anxiety, always cautious and meticulous. He is the total opposite of the child; he is not happy, he is full of lamentations and burdens on his chest.

The woman tries to resurface too, but she too, with the child has been tucked away, possibly dead. The adult is rejecting everything.

I hate adults. I really hate adults.

Blue

2010-06-10T23:51:00.001+08:00

Just let me lay down and sleep.

Perfect measured pieces

2010-06-05T02:02:00.002+08:00

I just wish that all this can stop and cease to exist. I wish that all this fear and disappointment will disappear and cease to exist. I wish that I have more time to myself and more time to do the things I want to do. I wish all my stress away. I wish that I don't have to see the people I don't want to see everyday. I wish that I don't have to be bound by so many rules and laws. I wish that I can be free. I wish that I can be truly free. I wish that I can understand some things. I wish that this sadness will go away. I wish that this pain can be lifted from me. I wish that pain is no longer my indicator of life.

I wish that I am happy with what I am doing.

Hold

2010-06-05T01:57:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I feel like putting an end to this meaningless existence.

There I've finally said it.

trash dumping

2010-05-17T21:24:00.002+08:00

This place has become a place for me to dump my negative feelings and thoughts, thoughts I wouldn't want anyone to see or read. And yet this space is not fully locked up, lest someone, by some miraculous discovery stumbles upon this site and takes a read at what I have to say. Here is what I want to say:

I feel defeated by the overwhelming failures all around me. I am specifically talking about education, it is something I just cannot come to terms with. I feel lost without a place in an university, and I would like to believe that this is something my parents had hardwired into me since I was a small boy. There was a point in time I decided to stand up against them and choose my own path, and to their expectation and joy? I've failed terribly in that path. I would still want to believe that this is what I truly want to do.

I know I have what it takes to pursue the sciences but it gives me no joy and satisfaction whatsoever. I know what I truly love is through expression in its myriad forms, be it music, art, dance et cetera. And the grades had to come in to try to rationalize and measure my artistic achievements through a yardstick. It seems that there is no running away from the cold unforgiving rationality of the world.

Sometimes I feel that theres nowhere to run and escape to seek asylum from this crazy crazy world.

Sometimes I feel like I'm made of so many contradicting fragments, so many parts of myself which don't work together as a whole and only seek to get in the way of functioning as a whole person. Yes, the word would be conflicted.

What would it truly take for me to regain that energy to once again enjoy expressing myself and regain that warm burning love for what I used to love to do? I want that feeling back, I want to love what I am doing and not second guess my actions anymore. I don't want to hold up that yardstick up against everything I create and compare it with what other people have achieved and calculate my odds against them after which. This is not the spirit of expression, neither is it making me enjoy anything at all. This is getting too competitive, and I'll end up only smothering myself yet again.

Am I going to drink to try to run away from all this again? I need an outlet. I need an expression. I need my freedom. I can no longer live under the cage, behind bars and below my spirits. I am sorry, I won't conform and live a miserable life. I will do what I want to do. I will not forsake my own happiness just to appease the expectations other people have weighed so heavily on me. It is just all too convenient for them to do so.

Sometimes I just hate this thing a hell lot.

born for this

2010-05-07T22:49:00.001+08:00

Its like the club was made for me.

Deep inside,

2010-04-25T03:27:00.002+08:00

I am still harbouring anger and resentment. I still am angry with them for not giving me enough time, for shocking me suddenly and not letting me adjust. I am still angry with them for being so merciless and cruel, for being too fast. I couldn't keep up quick enough, and I didn't understand anything back then. I only did what I could do, I didn't know what to do. I was totally broken off with nothing to hold on to, and I was expected to make do. Now the parts of me lay scattered and fragmented, I am holding shards from all over. I still do not know how to piece them together, and all I'm bearing is a mess of disarray.

And yet with this mess I made a cadaver, living dead, something which is not alive yet moving.

All that I made was nothing, but a beautiful mask.

The violent shadow

2010-04-17T23:49:00.005+08:00

I seek to understand myself, to understand all that I've repressed and forcefully tucked away during my younger years. I've had a violent childhood, one which was filled with malicious and murderous intent. Then came along the later years of my life so far, when everything just suddenly died down and became peaceful. However, I believe that this peace is false, and I am merely trying to weave an illusion for myself while the true storms bubble and swell up out of my sight.

The shadow, when left unattended, will regress to a primal form, an uncontrollable state.

If it then takes over, I'm afraid it would already be too late to seek redemption.

**
He is like this huge muscular beast who is perfectly formed in anatomy, masculine in every way. He summons a choking and smothering invisible force all around him, and everyone around him obviously feels the pressure. His eyes are mere pits, huge and round, with no pupils or indication of expression or direction. His stares are blank, and straight, but essentially blank. His wings, are not opaque, neither are they of any material nature. They arc out basically as vectors, a collection of singular lines branching out like that of a tree. They still offer him flight, though one might still believe that the wings only signify a semblance of his ability to fly, whether or not his flight is truly granted by his wings is another matter altogether. He is like a man shaped beast, and he walks alone, and he is always seen alone.

This creature is one of flames.

Such is what I an able to see so far of my shadow. (Sometimes he has horns, and sometimes he doesn't)

No wise words

2010-03-14T15:30:00.002+08:00

I just hope that this madness will just stop and everyone can take a breather. Warped, twisted, distorted and crooked, thats how I see these things. I cannot believe just how they think these things to be right and justifiable. It is funny how a wrong thing is made right when the advocate flips and turns to the other side.

Everything seems to become right for you when you finally don that one ring on your finger huh. That is false, and utterly hypocritical.

Raise the blade

2010-02-20T23:01:00.002+08:00

I've delivered the payload, but my mind is nowhere near unsettled. I'm up against these giants, and I've nothing to put up a fight with. I'm bare naked, I never thought I would post this in a place such as this but I really feel vulnerable, with nothing to hold on to. It is times like these when I really second guess myself. I don't know how am I going to accept the news of my rejection.

But then again, what kind of a surprise would it be, as it wouldn't be the first time I got slapped hard in the face? People would tell me that at least I've gave it my all, put in my best, y'know, the usual, that I've fought the good fight at the very least.

Then again, what good would it be if my very best is not even worth a pinch of salt? I don't know anymore; my sense of self worth has been cast to the swine time and again, I don't believe in myself anymore.

What am I to do? Get drunk? Get wasted? I'm sick of even that.

NTU

2010-01-06T22:20:00.002+08:00

Application closes 28th feb. Would I have enough time to garner enough pieces for my portfolio? I sure hope I do, if not I'd have to stick to my original plan to try again next year. That'd be a drag.

waking up

2009-12-13T01:02:00.003+08:00

Is it really that simple?

Is that really all there is to it? Theres something amiss going on here, something I am not picking up on, something no one is picking up on. Don't try to put to sleep the aspect which was only beginning to awaken. There are many lights which form the spectrum, and it was dulled without you. Welcome to the club, welcome to the team, something was amiss without you. You fill up the missing space. You are the ray which lines the silhouette and keeps the shadow in check.

You have to be there to turn the brown to white, to add a tinge of bright yellow to the gray earth. You have to be there to ease the red, to rein the blue, to manage the green, to balance the dark.

You've been asleep, or rather, put to sleep by gray. But I need you. I need you to come back and complete me. I need you to be me, to become me, if not, I'd not be me.

*

The sounds and colours in my head, they are so beautiful.

Let it flow

2009-11-29T00:22:00.000+08:00

A little bit of painting now and then really does good to the soul.

But I have no idea what I'm trying to portray to myself.

Does it even matter?

Sometimes

2009-11-27T02:02:00.001+08:00

I ask myself why I feel so lost when its late at night.
I feel so caged when I've been set free.
I feel so angry at things meant to be blessings.
There is something empty which is seeking a perfect fit for the void.
If not this emptiness will consume me, and I will lose myself to what has become of me.

Feeling low

2009-10-17T02:26:00.002+08:00

There're too many things in my head which I wanna say.. My thoughts are all jammed up, with one squashed right beside the other, and another stacked right on top of another. My minds in a mess, and it has never been calm for a long time.

I know what I want, but I seldom find the courage and strength to pursue my true interests. I can't seem to be satisfied with what I have, and I'm always hoping for time to pass me by. Yes, once time has passed I'll start to look back, and wish that I'd have lived my moments slower, and hope that I'd have treasured the things I had before.

I've found many things during my time in the Army. I've found a whole band of new friends, people who're just people like me, people who have weaknesses and are humanly vulnerable. I have started to explore the more sentimental side of myself, as my regular absence from home led me to realise just how important family is.

In many aspects, I've pretty much sobered up, and yet there is still this one regret which keeps coming back into my thoughts.

These things are stuck in my mind, I just can't seem to say what I really want to say.

I just can't do it.

My life in retrospect

2009-10-16T23:58:00.002+08:00

And one day when you wake up, she'll be home.

My life has been blooming from below the rubble and debris. I have finally found a new life, and I've found a balance from the old. Army has changed my perspective of things time and again, having been put through physical hardship, psychological challenges unheard of in my cosy bubble.

I have grown, but yet I am still the same. How should I put it, life is getting simpler, and yet more complex at the same time.

I just hope that I'll have the strength to meet with the daunting obstacles which are going to come my way.

It's true.

2009-09-18T10:22:00.001+08:00

I indeed am too much of an idealist.

Maybe theres no way to reach me

2009-08-22T16:23:00.000+08:00

Its been ages since you've returned. I thought you were gone for good until today. I should have known that you'll never leave, you're always there. You're someone I'll have to live with for a long time.

I just don't understand you. I don't understand why you have to do this to me. Are you a reminder, or are you just having some sadistic fun?

Its just that you always stumble me, and I am paralysed by you.

Question is, are you even real?

FIELD CAMP

2009-08-01T09:34:00.000+08:00

I will never put my knees on the floor and kneel before weakness again.

It does matter.

2009-07-05T00:39:00.002+08:00

When all is over and you're alone in your room at night, things become clear.

A lot of things don't matter.

And it all leaves nothing but the same old gripping question: What is life?

What exactly am I here for?

That is a question which's answer I will not buy from any clergyman. I've been asking myself this question often enough, and I've yet to find myself an answer. I don't feel any hope, nor do I feel any disappointment. I feel nothing, I feel plain, and without a soul. I need an answer.

But I won't make one up.

Boy put through fire.

2009-07-03T23:20:00.002+08:00

There is still this steely tinge lingering in my heart as I attempt to type this post. Thing is, the very first thing that greeted me when I reached home after bookout today was a suicide scene. The area was already sealed off by the police when I cam but it seemed so dreamy and surreal as I passed the scene. When the gravity of the situation finally set onto me, I felt a feeling I've never felt in my entire life.

I can say this cold gripping feeling is the closest thing to death I've ever felt. And I wonder how some brave men actually laughed in the face of death.

Life in the army has taught me many things, and not all things are taught by the army. Its just these things which I've come to experience which are totally new to me. All of a sudden I feel as though life is being relived all over again, starting from scratch, from the stumbling initial steps of discovery. I never could have imagined that my body could survive the training thus far. Its weird how i'm glad that all this is happening to me.

It feels as though I'm finally achieving something substantial, something I can be happy about, something tangible and of course, something physical. It's true that at the end of the day, everyday, I find myself at a new level of exhaustion, but hey, as long as there is breath in me, I am going to set a new level for myself. This truly is satisfying.

Every day, I find myself humbled in new ways I've never discovered before.

Book Out

2009-06-29T12:34:00.002+08:00

A new lease of life, I finally have something to work towards.

BMT, not as smooth sailing and easy as I thought it would be. I must say it has been quite a surprise for me, but I'm coping well. I seek to do much better.

This will be the time in ages I'll start pushing and stretching myself again. I want to test my limits, and set new ones.

Hawk coy!!!

I need a chipset upgrade.

2009-06-15T00:17:00.001+08:00

Every single day, I learn a little bit more about myself, and it seems that I don't understand myself at all.

I really don't know.

It's just so hard. It's just so, hard.

Negative.

2009-06-09T10:53:00.001+08:00

I don't think I can carry on buying your god damned lies anymore. I am coming out of this pit hole, and I'm not looking back.

I have to say goodbye.

no one ever reads this blog, audibly that is.

2009-06-06T22:33:00.002+08:00

Here I am, in 2009, having lived and braved through 20 years of life in Singapore. You might ask, whats there to brave in Singapore anyway? Well, although its true that there are no real hardships living in a nation such as this, as all the basic needs of a human individual from Maslow's 5 laws are met, it only gives the individual room to worry (or at times create) about other things. (I would say more intangible things, things that a person can really do without)

And here I am, seeing many things, but saying but so few. The need to voice out my thoughts has diminished, and I realise that I don't have to be heard on everything. There will be a time when these things need to be said, but most of the time some things don't need to be said at all. Some things are left for myself, for my own knowledge, for my own observation. I don't think its a liability, I do not think that keeping quiet and holding my silence is a sign of weakness, I believe that its just mere constraint and tactfulness.

And we have young ones, filled with energy, bobbing around, jumping about with relentless fervor and drive, with an almost nuclear source of energy to be tapped into for their daily causes. I used to miss that peak of power and speed and efficiency, but now I know what I lacked. I lacked a direction, a clear view, an understanding, something people would define as wisdom, or life experiences.

These experiences made me what I am today. I'm no doubt slower, or perhaps more rigid, but I know that this has made me better, more stable, and a little more wise. Life is a rich journey, life is good, and life is a gift.

However, I will not stop absorbing and learning, learning is a relentless process, and so I am relentless.

Level

2009-06-06T01:57:00.002+08:00

There is no such thing as too much. There is no such thing as enough. If you have a few, the crowd is not enough. If you have a mass, the state is not enough. If you have the state, the nation is never enough. If you have the country, the world is not enough. And when you finally have the world, the universe is for the taking.

Nothing is ever enough, nothing is ever too much. If I can take it, I will take more. If I have learned it, I will read more. If I have done it, I will do even more. Life has but begun for me, and this ascension into adulthood is so rich and abundant, life has just started to unravel its secrets before me. There is a future for the taking, there are so many things to do. There is still so much I have yet to perfect and explore, so much information and people to learn about. Opportunities are everywhere, and when I think about these things I really feel so glad to have gone through whatever life has given me so far.

It is true that ordeals and mistakes really make a person stronger beyond his or her expectations, and I am glad to be alive.

Life, is a gift, a very precious gift.

Confession

2009-06-05T01:39:00.001+08:00

I know, that I can never give myself to another, the way I've had given myself to you.

I am young,

2009-06-02T02:03:00.001+08:00

but why am I dead?

I realised,

2009-05-24T13:18:00.001+08:00

the greatest gift of all, is to be able to be silent and observe the subtleties of the things around us.

God.

2009-05-23T03:32:00.002+08:00

God, on the other hand, is either one damn sad sod, or some fascist bastard (I still believe the former to be true).

I am SICK of seeing helpless little imps whimper in church and confess their sins at the oh so holy altar (which supposedly is extremely sacred only to the people of God to flock to for repentance, but hey, if you have a note to drop into the offering bag membership become instantaenous and salvation suddenly becomes all so easy, all too easy) on a sunday, and cower back to their fucked up lives back on monday.

LITTLE kids especially, little weeny kids who are actually more devilish than adults put on those innocent faces and worship the Lord GOD ALMIGHTY in the presence of touched parents, (oo theres even a tear or two rolling down those cheeks) and when they are not looking, all the backstabbing, underage fucking, heartbreaking, operating, underage drinking and smoking, tyranny, bullying, gossip and all that other sinful sons of bitches motherfucking bullshit comes out all those kids start raveling and soaking in that pit of sin. Brood of vipers! God bless these innocent children of God!

The church is made up of the worse possible kind of combination of people. Frenzied idealists, greedy businessmen, lost souls, rich lost souls, damn rich lost souls, perverts looking for a quick hook up, outcasts of society looking to make a quick buck, deranged zealots and ultimately money-sucking (and more importantly, supernaturally impotent) clergymen.

Tsk, yea thats a lot of angst for the recent posts, but hey, it was an accumulated effort, all that anger and frustration.

Pardon me.

People.

2009-05-23T01:17:00.005+08:00

As much as they oppose it, people actually can be categorized.

They never fail to fall into several archetypes, several, stereotypes, all exhibiting similar qualities and behavioral patterns. Of all the many different types I've come across thus far, I'd like to blog about one type, just one: the Conformist Wannabe.

To even be a Conformist Wannabe, there first must be a monumental obstacle for that individual to be normal. There first, must be some trait of his or hers in his or her life which prevents that person from being normal. What the Conformist Wannabe must first lack is something which everyone else has, which he or she doesn't have, cannot have, or perhaps will never have. Any person can take this three ways:

First, to accept the fact that this lacking or absence of that something can't be helped and move on with life. Second, to even boast of this lacking and live life proud of this lacking which other people might not even have the ability or will to lack even if they wanted to, or third, to try to cover this lacking up by ANY means necessary, even if it means sinking into the covers of blandness and conformity for the rest of the individual's life. If one has taken the THIRD path, he or she has become the Conformist Wannabe.

I have no issues with people who have a certain lacking, be it in social status, wealth, looks, intelligence or even body parts or functions. But what really ticks me is that some Conformist Wannabes really take it too far, way too far, off the charts into the next available galaxy. Every single anal mundane aspect of their lives has to be attuned to the crowd, has to be the popular choice, and of course, has to be the "majority" of what people are doing.

And I really fucking hate, yes I FUCKING hate people like that. I hate people who rush down to the next iPod, iPhone, iWhatever launch and get themselves a clone product just because everyone else is rushing down to get one. I hate Conformist Wannabes who get so fucking OBSESSED with keeping their cover in the midst of the general crowd they lose track of their morals and any sense of right and wrong and blindly seek the shelter of the GENERAL MASS wherever it is moving.

They flock mindlessly and helplessly to general opinion, POPULAR opinion, acceptance of the MAJORITY, SAFE methods, SAFE jobs, SAFE decisions, SAFE words, SAFE friends, SAFE educational paths, NORMAL lives, UNHAPPENING lives, MOST popular products and other conformist bullshit of the like. Not only do I have absolutely zero respect for people who let the majority make up their mind, I really do bear a lot of dislike and disgust for people like these.

Sad thing is, I happen to know perhaps one or maybe even two Conformist Wannabes.

It seems they are still down there on Maslow's levels of living.

Isn't it just so ironic, that people like these, who think that they'll make it by simply riding the wave of the "trends" and "fads" and other majority bullshit almost always end up being the main prey to marketing schemes, consumer brainwashing techniques, mob mentality, mindless consumerism, manipulation, and willessness?

They think they're making choices, but no, the only choice they've made was the one which they soul their souls to the crowd. For free.

So, FUCK YOU CONFORMIST WANNABES, YOU GUYS LEAD A DAMN SAD LIFE.

One of these days when you find yourself alone

2009-04-27T13:49:00.002+08:00

It feels like a close shave, the proximity of it all, the closeness, the irony, the near-encounters... I feel a danger, a roaring one blazing against my skin, of how close it was, how close we were to colliding in unintended disaster.

I was glad I was there that day, and I was glad I never got to realise the closeness until I stumbled upon the truth, weeks later.

Maybe it was just God trying to let me know the many things I get away with daily, without even realising it.

The Line

2009-04-18T02:07:00.003+08:00

Depressing things, depressing things, I really ought to steer clear from them. It has been a long 2 years since that incident, and I feel way better from what I recall I felt before. I somewhat worked up a capacity for forgiveness, and acceptance (sometimes I would swap that with resignation) of the fact that not everyone can change as much as I would desire.

Some things move on, some things change, but some things, just don't change. I am an advocate of change, I always believe that things can always get better, and there's always a better way, an alternative. However, I have to accept the fact that some things, just stay the same, and they don't change.

Some things, have roots which go way deeper than I can dig, and these things have a foothold firmer than what my strength can muster. I must accept this fact, that I am not super.

However, I still hold on to beliefs. Beliefs that man can do wondrous things through sheer will and incessant determination. I believe that some monuments, still can be moved, and that all it needs to begin from is but a thought. A thought which translate into an intention, which translate to an action, which in turn turns out to a sequence of actions, then experimentation, and thirst, of which follows desire, then passion, then routine, then materialisation and ultimately resolution.

Some things change, some people change, and things, can always be changed.

It is repeating.

2009-04-08T00:42:00.003+08:00

Sometimes I wonder, am I giving myself too many excuses, or is this deja vu an honest coincidence?

If I go my way I will end up having not tried anything new at all. I am a disgrace to ENTPs, and I sure do identify with the emotion inhibiting T gene. Too many a time I have fallen into the snare of ENFPs, and somehow I have a weakness for that breed.

I doubt I want to do this anymore, two controllers cannot maintain a harmonious relationship, and things can and will spiral out of control very easily. I'd better wisen up and snap out of it before I have yet another bad experience. This time, I might not make it out alive.

I'm outta here man.

If you'd like it, then lets take it slow..

2009-04-06T20:32:00.002+08:00

A simple nudge can derail me entirely, well thats what almost happened recently. I have to get a grip on myself and not live defeated any more.

I can't let you get in my way, you have no idea what you are doing.

I know I have to say goodbye

2009-04-05T20:18:00.002+08:00

Things have changed and I know I can't stay in the same place.

But I'm really afraid, I can't understand. I cannot see, I can't read when it comes to this. I cannot predict, I cannot confirm, everything's in a blur and for the first time in a long time, I am unfamiliar with the vague. I don't know if I should do this.

But yet again, a tiny voice tells me that this is just like the others, and I should probably move along and walk by. I guess, I'm just going to continue with my life, trying to pick up the pieces from the past.

Say, I gymmed last week, and I allowed my aches to recover for 5 days. I really think I wanna gym tomorrow, so I guess I'll bring my gear to head down straight after work.

And, I've stopped smoking (or at least that is what I hope to maintain until my next unholy encounter) and I've not bought a pack ever since 2 days ago. I really want to stop this one, its not good, and a friend of mine somewhat got influenced and tried a puff too. (Last person I'd want to see pick up smoking)

My relationship with booze has turned to the taste of barf, as too much of a good thing landed me boxed up in 4 walls of a closetal slump. I puked my guts out last night, all night, after a pretty much one-sided affair with shot upon shot of tequila. I remember most of the things I did/said when I got drunk now, and I must say, I am never going to put my confidential integrity to the test in a long time.

So, to make things short, I'm no longer smoking, I'll not drink in a long time, I'm going to rebuild my fitness, I even want to get more tanned, and I'm earning some cash, seems like things are finally going as desired.

And of course, once I get bored with the stability and peace, its back to my self-destructive yet ever so gratifying vices again.

I am not going to let this one in, until I've gained an assurance, I'm sorry for being cold but I really need something to hold on if I want to give anything away.

You found me

2009-03-31T04:17:00.003+08:00

What if things are no longer within your control, and you see what you desire get swept off into oblivion while you watch helplessly?

What if freedom is a lie, and it should never be dreamed of?

What if these tall walls really are unmountable, and infallible?

What if it truly is hopeless?

What if the only way out is to lose it all?

I can't have one and yet still try to keep the other. Do I want to be happy, or do I want to be safe?

I vouch for happiness.

Understanding

2009-03-30T05:22:00.000+08:00

I figured, that if I want to live past 20, there must be change in my life, starting from now.

I can't possibly let myself look like shit just because I feel like shit.

I know I don't like my family, but until I can really do anything about it, I'm gonna start improving myself first.

To start, I have to simmer the storm within.

It's all coming to a stop very soon.

2009-03-30T03:54:00.003+08:00

My room is not a place for any human being to live in. My home is not a home, my church is not a church, my life is not even living. I don't know what to do. I don't know what tomorrow will hold, I don't even know if I'll wake up tomorrow.

My will to live has become so weak and its as though I'll snap at any given moment. I feel defeated, arrested, conflicted and I'm in constant turmoil over this life of mine. I don't think I can live with my family anymore, they are getting increasingly disturbing, and I know that my dad is just trying to ignore the fact that my mom and my sister are not normal people. My mom has a snare of a snake and her temper is morbidly bad. Its not just your regular naggy mother, shes this woman who is so possessive,so paranoid, so thrifty, so easily angered, the slightest things make her go hysterical.

It's rubbing off me, and I really don't want to live with this family any more. I want to live alone. I've been contemplating this for very long, and I'll move out once I have the chance. Forgive me for being selfish but I'm on the brink of insanity and I'm already in depression. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to grow up and grow old in this asylum with this crazy woman, who behaves normally in front of relatives, and snap into a monster when shes at home. I don't want to be maligned any more. I don't want to play a part in this show, taking the blame all on myself and accrediting all the family conflicts to me.

No, mom, you have had this problem ever since I was a boy, and back then I was too naive and stupid to have believed that I was at fault, that one delinquent child was the cause of a police case. No. I will not believe this bullshit any more. Looking back at the memories, my entire childhood, I now know that you were using me as your shield to disguise your insanity. Your incessant paranoia, your split and fragmented personality, you gave it all to me, you brought me up in a fearful world, a world where I had absolutely nothing to hold on to, with no one to trust, with no family to confide in.

I became a wild dog, a chaser, I searched everywhere frantically for something absolute to hold on to, for something real in this world. I found this God in the Christian church, I believed. Hell, with my entire soul I poured my teenage into the church, I devoted my time and my efforts to this voice which told me that there is some truth in this world, that at least there's a glimmer of hope that I can look up to.

But this fling lasted a mere little more than half a decade, and I was severely disappointed. My days in church, where I worked non stop for something which I truly believed in, fell to pieces. Like a 90-storey tower of intricate glass, it all smashed to the ground into diamondust. Now nothing seems to be real anymore, and I'm stuck in the premises of my home, with minimal cash and maximum control. I don't know how long I can take this anymore. I am really going to crack very soon, the trigger is lingering right at the back of my head. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to try to live normally and behave normally when it is so obvious that theres something wrong with my mom.

And my sister, she is getting very disturbing. Besides being a socially awkward and phasing individual, she is developing her own sides of her fragmented personality. Her doormat personality is her facade, her desperate attempts to be normal make her seem all the more otherwise. She behaves eccentrically, she tries so hard, but she isn't. She isn't the son of the family, she isn't the oldest, but she tries so hard to gain acceptance, but to be honest, I don't think she ever will be. She has these very disturbing bouts of strange behavior, it gets into me at times, it disgusts me.

I feel damn fucked up.

Living in my home is akin to trying to live in an asylum, the walls become taller, and the room only gets smaller and the silence of the day carves on your parched soul. I feel dry. I feel naked, I feel dead. I feel carved. I feel like my throat's stuffed with ash. I feel as though life is not worth living any more. I feel as though my estate's so small. Nothing interests me nowadays. I feel bland. I feel gray, I feel teal.

Everything which presented itself as a hope in my life has been crushed, and there was no one there for me ever since I turned 5.

Family is but 6 letters to me, it has been so all my life. Seeing how things were orchestrated and set up by my parents to give the false impression that I caused the downfall of my family, led me to believe that even amongst family, there is no love, there is no trust, there is no honesty. I have nothing I can hold on to.

I feel lost, and sometimes I wish there is something real in this world.

And the worst thing is, I don't know how to tell you how I really feel.

This turmoil is killing me.

Pale teal

2009-03-23T01:20:00.002+08:00

like the color of surreal stone...

Thats the color which best describes whatever which is happening in this inner world of conflict and turmoil. Once again I find myself frozen stiff with anxiety, paralyzed by this unexplainable sense of arrest and.. conflict.

I've been caging myself up in my room whenever possible, ultilising public transport only once a week or so. This self-induced introversion and anti-social behavior is taking its toll on me and aggravating the reason which I wanted to induce this eccentricity in the first place.

Seems like disorientation has progressed to yet another level.

Sometimes I wish that my outlook on things won't be so dry and parched as it is now.

I hate rich people.

2009-03-11T03:59:00.002+08:00

Yes, I do.

I hate rich people, who lavish and flaunt their wealth. I hate rich people, who like to speak insensitively to people who are not so well off. I hate rich people, who shower their children with toys and many other unnecessary things just to show that they can perform such feats. I hate rich people, who oppress the poor indirectly, and use their financial advantage to humiliate the poorer.

I hate rich people who are just so stuck up and proud just because they can afford(literally) to do so.

Because there is nothing I can do about it. At least not in my country. It seems like the only way I can do likewise back at them is to become richer than them.

By amidst the process of getting back at them, I'd have joined their league, and soon I'd find myself consumed with the same intoxication money gives you. I'd be wrapped up with my love for money and the feeling of security and power it gives me. It'd drive me to forget my roots of humility and it'd pervert me into an obnoxious monster. Pretty soon I'd be doing the very thing I set out against, and a new wave of haters would arise.

Nevertheless, I still hate rich people.

I hate adults too.

I hate it when they look down at you. I hate it when they give that look. They look at you as if you don't deserve to live. They look at you as if its the end of your road, as if everything's done for, as if you're worthless and useless.

They give it to you when you're down and out, they only care for their own offspring, no matter how lost a cause their children are sometimes. They are blind. They are biased, and they flaunt it, as if its something to be proud of. It makes me want to grow and overtake them, and leave them in the dust as they see themselves crushed by one whom they always belittled. It makes me boil, that look they give me, it makes me boil really hard.

It taints me, it twists me and convulses me to want to get back at them, to overwhelm them to the grave and sustain their lives at the very last thread so that they will feel every single last bit of my wrath.

I hate adults.

I hate adult men who think they can look down at me like that.

I hate adult women who feign care and concern but are actually hypocritical bitches who are caught up in their own fantasy world that their children are somehow perfect.

And mom, you're included as well. Wake up from your world, I am not that top student whom you always think that I am. I am a 19 year old young adult, who isn't top notch at anything, so face it and stop giving that gleam every time you talk about me.

I am fucking serious, it ticks me off, you're like one stupid woman who just doesn't get it.

And you, you and you. If this world had no law, and there were a gun in my hand with a magazine of 15, I'd put bullets through each of all of your 4 limbs and then your respective chests if you all gave that fucking look one more time. I know that look.

You all think you have the rights to look down at me.

Fuck you.

Fanaticism

2009-03-10T02:58:00.001+08:00

The zealots are rising up, but not all of them progress on to the other side.

Reduction

2009-03-02T03:55:00.002+08:00

No wonder the scene is tainted with melancholy. No wonder all our eyes are fixated on the ground, noticing nothing but the specks on the ground, rather than the horizons of the skies. We're trapped, and I identify with the experiences in my life.

I see it everywhere, and it's grand scale is but a magnification of what has happened to me.

This is the reason I am going to make public the fact that I've walked out on the church, once and for all. I know the Christianity I seek is not here, and will never be here for a long time.

The God I worship, is not here. The Almighty God as told in the bible, the great deeds He has done, the goodness of His people.

He is NOT here. He is not in this church. He does not lie present and co-exist with the corrupt, the hypocritical, the power-hungry, the power-hoarding and the greedy. He does not lie alongside the envious, the jealous and the divisive. Your grip of fear on me is over. I will no longer succumb to your threats. I will not give in to fear and live my life as though I am lesser than human. I have my rights. Though I know they are not given to me but I know I have my rights to live fully.

And no, coming back to church is not the only way I can find peace with myself. Apologising for my alleged mistake is not the only way where I can come to terms with myself. I will not conform to you all. I will not conform and obey just because everyone obeys. I will not give in. I know whats right and whats wrong, and clearly, this is wrong.

You love peace and quiet, you love the absence of conflict, even if the majority is living in delusion. I cannot take this lying down, I've tried to rehabilitate myself but I still am unable to contain this scene before me. Justice, there must be justice exacted. But I am afraid, in a time like this, in a place like this, with people like these, justice is but a dream, because the tyrants reign, the greedy prosper, and the scheming thrive.

I've seen it once when I was a child, I've seen it once when I was a teenager, and now I'm seeing it again as a young adult. The picture just keeps getting bigger, and there is absolutely no way, I will relent, until the day comes, when with my own eyes, I see the unjust punished, and the oppressed set free.

My soul calls out for like-minded individuals, but I am afraid a breed such as us is scattered and defenseless, and we can only hope, that the hand of all things, will put us together, and tie us all in.

No wonder this air of melancholy is so rampant.

No, wonder.

It's coming

2009-02-27T00:34:00.003+08:00

The situation seems like it's hard pressed for time.. With so many loose ends yet to be tied up, with so many things left vague and unmaterialised, one cannot help but wonder if its really going to turn out fine.

And I also wonder just how long my body can put up with all my rubbish. I wonder how long I am able to hold out, with all that damage from sleepless nights and sheer negligence. The guilt always sets in after I compromise a bit more, and the guilt always dissipates when I need just that tad more to get me there.

When I look back, all those little-bit-mores have summed up to quite an avalanche. This doesn't look good.

So I am writing this here now, not for the purpose for all to see, but for the cause of having written something to myself, to tell myself that this idleness and sloth has got to stop for now, and I got to get it together once again, to finish this up nicely. It can't come to naught now, all the fire I've been put through.

I have to finish this up nicely. I can't leave it undone, unsettled, all over the place. I've got to finish this. No matter how weary I feel, or how heavy my steps and my head, giving in isn't an option.

Snap out of it!

//this bravado has led me to think that my cause is immaculate, and there is an impish entity at the back of my mind, instigating, instigating me to just tear it all down.

phone in the room

2009-02-24T00:53:00.001+08:00

you know you're tempted to relive the tragic past but you know better that you should move on. Move on and spread the distance in between, and close up that space to the future.

When all that's fast stills and you walk on by

2009-02-23T23:55:00.002+08:00

All that talk about being hard, being firm, being unwavering, and nonchalant.

Its all RUBBISH. All it needed was for one to barely advance and I'm swept off my feet. Gosh, am I that weak? I guess I am, as I think I got owned damn bloody deep today.

Siao man... I was totally overwhelmed and mesmerized today.. I have never felt anything quite like it for a very long time, and I'm convinced that all this work I once abandoned before is not of naught.

This facet of my life still can develop, as long as there is breath within me. There really is no point in beating myself up and deliberately presenting to others an undesirable side of myself. Why am I so defensive? I don't have to be, they won't bite, and if they will I'd be more discerning than the previous time to tell.

Today was a reminder, that there is still hope, and that opportunities abound, everywhere.

Time to stick my head out of my little hut.

bus ride

2009-02-22T15:53:00.000+08:00

oh boy i really don't know what to do at this present moment in time. This emptiness is consuming me.. I really am aimless, and i need a direction. But not THAT direction.. Seems like there's nothing to explore anymore.

two planes

2009-02-22T01:11:00.003+08:00

There are two alternate modes of consciousness I am able to exist in.

The first dimension of consciousness is in the real world in its entirety, in its reality, and in it's presence. Not much heed is paid to the past and the future. My mind focuses on what needs to be achieved at the present moment, and my mind does not question, and I proceed on to do my task. I exist in this mode when I'm introduced to a new environment, when the rest of my mind is preoccupied with trying to figure out the quirks of the task, the environment of which the task is carried out, the archetypes of people present in the field, and of course the social hierarchy within the set group of people.

After the foundational data has been set, the majority usage of my mind settles away and a small portion continues to absorb data continuously, archiving daily happenings and thus performing live updates and modifications to the social model.

With extended periods of time beyond a month, the unused portions of my mind begin to drag my entire self into my alternate mode of consciousness. I believe this to be the greater of two modes, but functioning and existing on this plane will result in many harmful side effects.

My alternate mode resides in my inner self, where chaos and anarchy prevail. It is a fiery wasteland, strewn with corpses and overflowing with boiling magma. It is volatile and unpredictable, and it is destructive. It causes my physical shell to stop functioning almost entirely, as it consumes vast amounts of energy. It leaves me paralysed, unable to do anything significant in the material world, and it overwhelms me with blindness, causing me to be unable to see anything positive and constructive.

It is a beast, seeking to devour and destroy, and it seeks out information in this world. It absorbs, at staggering rates, data, analogies, abstract ideas, reshuffles memories, reorganises thoughts and reassembles my shelves. It is a painful process, it is a terrible process, but I know what this mode is trying to do. It is reforming me, clearing up messes while my physical self is rendered immobile.

When I finally claw out of the alternate mode, be it by internal force, or by environmental force, I snap back to reality, and focus on my present moment. I take in all which is around me, and I chance upon a new sight, a new place, a new me.

le exit via le saviar.

2009-02-21T01:30:00.003+08:00

the title is rubbish btw..

People are put through fire by an unseen force in this world so that these mortals have a chance to show their quality. Stereotypical thinking dictates that one can either: Endure the flames and emerge out stronger, try to endure the flames but wither away or to just leap back out of fire altogether. The other alternative people are missing out is the secret hatch on the burning ground which many people overlook, as their senses have totally overwhelmed their eye for detail.

Amidst chaos, is the best opportunity for revolution, for change, for evolution. Similarly, the best chance that one has at discovering new power, is during his/her most trying periods. Pull the handles of the door and walk right through, and you'll proceed to an entirely different level, one which is beyond the flames and the hurls of this world, and you'd have advanced to yet another level of consciousness.

I just wonder, how much of fantasy is truth, as I know I'd be shocked by the truth of fantasy. What men of the past have dreamed about and put into tales of great conquests and folk, are now coming to pass as though it were required and expected. Have we lost the sense of marvel and awe of the things which we've achieved? I think that going too fast forward will result in us spinning out of control, and it'll tend to steer us way off course, too quickly.

So I often remind myself, an advocate for nonstop progress and learning, to constantly brake to stillness and let the scene before me in, before rushing off again, speeding to someplace else. It is worth the while, and worth the wait.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Progress is inevitable, and as for an individual such as myself, I feel as though I've progressed on to a different place, and what seemed so fresh is now but tradition to me. I've got to move on, and find a way around this thing, to free myself from what is now more enslaving than liberating.

And I thank my saviour for freeing me of one such instance of enslavement. May you manifest in other forms along my path, to greet me when my cry deems valid.

moh moh moh moh.

2009-02-20T01:41:00.003+08:00

Its been ages since I suffered from irresponsible(and often half baked) bouts of enthusiasm. Things have definitely settled down, and the once faraway dream of being able to transmute thought into reality doesn't seem so impossible anymore.

I owe it to the crazy grinding for the past 6 months. My life has indeed changed. My energies are now more focused and controlled, and more things are coming under the power of my will. Things used to be so berserk and disorganised, I wasn't in control of me. Now, after having to take on situations which did not allow for lackadaisical disinterest, I feel as though I've become more composed when it comes to tackling monotony and routine.

The rebel in me still continues though, in many unseen ways visible only to me. I still mock this earth daily with many actions and words which I speak, but no one will get it, unless I bump into a like-minded individual. The mockery I spill is in the most subliminal of ways..

I have many ideas which I've not yet put on paper, nor anything material. These orbs still stay afloat on my mind as I go about my current project, trying to learn the ropes. I really hope that I'm in the later enlistment batch, so that I have time to birth this pet project of mine.

I'll take this project as a portfolio showcase as well. I just hope I have enough drive and commitment to push on all the way.

If not I'll be wasting a lot of time, yet again.

Fusion after party, I am seriously waiting.

headache/overheat

2009-02-18T02:38:00.002+08:00

Extraverted Feeling, your reins are in place but they're not tugging hard enough. This madness which prevails and overwhelms whenever the rolling stone sets in its momentum, always surmounts to something inevitably huge and dark, and starts to exude an aura of evil and malice, engulfing travelers around and striking fear and paranoia into the hearts of the maidenstepped.

I recognise that this curse is not but a part of a phase, but a curse, a vile imp which has been locomoting behind the scenes, and driving me to perform such acts of panic and scorn, and I need something more than myself to hold it at bay. This thorn in my flesh, when will it go away?

Its either one or the other, and if I try to hold them both together, nothing good will amount, and all will fall to pieces. I've been too caught up with other things, and only now do I realise how far I've strayed from the main.

Am I truly by myself? I am starting to think so.

I still am not willing to surrender this part of me to successfully integrate into the rest of the world, to be able to live and co-exist. I do not want to lose my individuality, my will, my opinion. Then i guess this burden I undertake will bear a hefty cost.

The way is narrow, and the choices are limited, but for my consciousness to remain existent, I will walk on.

It is all

2009-02-17T02:24:00.002+08:00

a lie.

A grand lie, a perfect lie. A scheme, a faux, a medium, an excuse, a justification, a facade, a pretext, a reason, a validation, an opening, a crack, a mask, a veil, a shroud, a diversion, a distraction, a fog, a screen, a show, a stage, an act, and finally an untruth, told to many, to lead them to a place right above, so that under their noses, the truth happens, and the truth takes place.

It is not concealing, it is diminishing.

The peace and good can only be hoped for in dreams, there is no such thing as a true good on this earth. The good people are all crushed. The good are all crushed.

And you ask again, why are we all going a little mad?

I would like to ask, why haven't you opened your eyes?

WIth a hand on the rope I am tugging as always

2009-02-16T23:06:00.001+08:00

I just hope that this stone, will unearth from its moss and roll down to join the boulders where they are supposed to be.

Do you know how it is like to live?

2009-02-16T01:08:00.004+08:00

Do you know how it is like to live?

To exist on a plane higher than that of being physically operating, to have a sense of purpose and doing, to have a sense of reason for existing. It is the feeling and the truth of knowing that we are not just living in flesh, but also doing so for a purpose which encompasses outside of our own security and safety. If we can learn to live beyond mere bodily sustenance, we would experience a life which not only is breathtaking, but also ethereal and timeless.

It would feel as though we belong to a part of a global thing, a universal thing, and the fact that we are so small would feel more gratifying than demoralising.

Because in fact, we are so small, and insignificant. We are so small and helpless by ourselves. We are nothing if not for our collective numbers and our will as a race to make something out of what we're given. But should we resign and give up and not try to strive just because of our physical minuteness?

Our minds, our minds, our inner world. Some of us have absolutely nothing in their inner world; we spent our lives indulging entirely in the physical world, taking each day as it goes, not giving a thought about anything beyond our horizontal reach. Whereas, there is a another group of people who see themselves as aliens to this world, who often reject (and if undisguised, will too be rejected) the world and all its doings.

Sometimes things just seem so hopeless and bleak that I get tempted to withdraw myself into my own world and return to that rich land, where I can go wild and be myself. There are just so many crazy things inside which I've neglected as I spent my time in the real world, things which accompanied with through my afternoons when I was a boy, things which caused me to be amazed for hours and go non stop, around in circles and be astonished again. The beautiful things which made my childhood, the drawings, the games which I made for myself to play with myself, which didn't really matter if other people understood.

I never told them about it anyway, the idea had never crossed my mind.

And with my growing I started to put aside these things, and was introduced to adult things like work and responsibility. The world started to tell me that it was about time to give up on these things, to stop playing and face the facts, the cold hard truth that money is important and if I don't do anything about it my family will die.

I still dream, about my past, but I know that the truth is as real as it can get,and this beautiful place will not be visited until I can do something about the real world.

I miss that world. I miss that dome where I was in every afternoon till the evening, where I played and frolicked, where things were much simpler, and nicer, and warmer, where the sun poured all over me and I get that warm feeling of nostalgia of a familiar place.

I miss those days..

I miss the days of my childhood.

I don't want to let that feeling go.

My body is warm and well fed but my soul is so empty and cold.

Yes, its finally over but I'm a little late

2009-02-15T01:27:00.003+08:00

The whole presentation and crap is finally over, but today's Saturday!

I don't usually record my daily doings on my blog but I wanna note that I've just finished watching the whole Lord of the Rings trilogy! Now before any people start going crazy and flame me, this is really the first time I've watched any of the three movies.. Haha yes I know, but its just that way. Wanted to catch Van Helsing (again) after the trilogy but its already 1:33am! nearly 12 full hours of non stop movie action.. Shiok ah!

Thats how I spent my Valentine's day..

But no stress man I never did think much about today as I'm simply too exhausted from the afterburn of my 3 month FYPJ. Weariness really does reduce and deintellectualize an individual.

I'm gonna enjoy my break, albeit a short one, before I jump back to the warzone again to pit myself against the Fusion show and NTU admissions. Gosh its gonna be a damn tough fight, but my will is nowhere near demented.

Now MOVE MOVE MOVE!!!

the most crazy shit ever

2009-02-10T00:55:00.001+08:00

The ultimate crazy fight starts the moment I lay this weary head to rest for the night.

26 animation scenes in 3 days.

This is simply asking for the impossible but heck, I am not going down without a damn tough fight. I still believe that nothing is impossible and I will claw my way out even if I have to.

There is something up for the taking and I'm up for it. Cut down the numbers and slash the troops, this 2.5 man army shall prevail against the odds.

FYPJ, get ready to die!

You're gonna get it right sometime soon.

2009-02-08T01:43:00.002+08:00

I believe that I see this world through very different lenses. It used to seem warm, nice, innocent and pure in its purest form. Then everything became dark, hypocritical, evil, impure, manipulative, hopeless and cold.

Then I bobbed between the two extremes, broke free from the gauge and gained a new perspective.

There are still times I shake my figurative head at things, when I witness things which conflict with my system, when I see how some people (disclaimer: not certain people, just some people. This blog was not made for political purposes.) behave and carry themselves.

Its really sad to see in me, and other people, try to hold it all together, smile it off, prepare faces, prepare moods before entering a place where they are supposed to feel a certain way, and fake every day through, because people like me, and maybe some other people who are able to see it through, will allow them to see right through to their raw and insecure self.

Since it would double backfire anyway, why do people like this still want to put up such a front.

Why do we adhere to all the rules, even though some rules don't even make sense? Why do we climb and tread upon the heads of those weaker than us, just to rise higher within ourselves?

It no longer is about one's beliefs, religion, or personality type anymore. The problem lies with us, with our individual selves. The problem is not about the rules of our religion, nor is it with our upbringing, or social environment.

This is an issue of morals, of choices, of consequences, of personal moral values.

So if it just so happens that any reader thinks he/she has gained foothold over me just because I always seem to give in and swallow those insults, please take note that I'm doing so only because I find that its really not necessary to reciprocate.

And, you'd just be making a fool out of yourself in front of me. (Doesn't matter if you're making a fool out of me in front of other people)

exhuasted

2009-02-06T02:32:00.002+08:00

Its been ages since i dared show my face on the surface of public blogging.

Did some thinking, and I figured many things out in Korea, and even more back here in Singapore. I guess now I know where my rights are, and i realised that no one can really tell me what I should do or not.

What a fool I was to think that a mere human can command another.

Choices lie within our own power and will, let no one take that basic right of choice away from you.

Let no one dehumanise you to something which is lesser than a human.

And yes, to answer the age old question, I no longer believe in the existence of the Christian God. Looking at things in retrospect, I realised that things are not as sugar coated as I thought they were. To put it bluntly Christianity, when broken down to its very roots, can really be nothing more than a fully bulletproofed lie. It has been so well accounted for that it can still work within its own system even if Jesus is really not God, but yet another human being who has walked the earth.

I got a taste of my own medicine the other day, I bumped into this super on Christian from CHC, and wow, I saw my old self in him. He went on and on chanting and repeating whatever he heard during his pastor's sermon and recited fragments with perfect accuracy. I asked him questions but he just went on repeating the same phrases over and over, without really having a thought as to what he was saying.

I guess the bulletproofing attributes this to being saturated in the spirit.

However they want to put it, I was not convinced at all, because many a time I encounter believers in Christ who know many things, but understand so little. They absorb, but they do not process any information that they've stored in their heads.

Its a waste, I guess.

On a side note, many things have happened, many wrongs made right, many wounds patched up, many grudges dissolved, a few conflicts resolved.

But right now I'm just so tired.

So tired of working day in and day out, worrying about the outcome of my projects, going paranoid about the future, and what will become of me.

This stage of my life is the most pivotal stage after all.

I just wonder how long more can I go on like this, with 3-4 hours of sleep a day, with 8-10 hours of work everyday.

This weariness is really getting into me.

I'm too tired to even think now, thought it was a good thing but now, its not a good thing at all. I guess this incessant negativity when blogging has already been hardwired into my system, something which is starting to become harder and harder to change.

All of a sudden this life doesn't seem so promising anymore.